There are many paths
salad spinner days
Well, we moved. After living in Bolton pretty much all of my life, we have upped sticks and moved to Morecambe. We are here temporarily with friends whilst we find somewhere in the area to live over the next few months.
It feels like we have taken everything we know about our life and put it in a salad spinner. This was a purposeful move, and the purpose was to shake things up. Whilst I felt (and feel) strongly that this was the right move for all of us, I’m coming up against myself and my desire to control the outcomes at every turn. Every step has been meticulously planned, so that we can get the kids into a good school at the right time, so that we can continue working and bringing in money etc.
But all of our tried and tested routines and ways of being have been jumbled up- it’s Easter holidays and as well as moving towns, we are trying to work from home and get used to living with friends in the same house. My desire to tidy, have everything in it’s right place immediately, make sure the girls are ok all the time, make sure we are getting enough one to one time, make sure they know that change is ok and that we can do hard things, make sure they feel comfortable, make sure they have the right balance of screen time, make sure the GCSE options are sent and appeals letters sorted, make sure they get outside, make sure they have uniform and new coats, make sure that their friends can stay and organise complicated sleepovers with complicated travel arrangements, make sure they don’t create too much noise in the rest of the house whilst people are working, make sure they know where to put things back- is exhausting.
Lots of it feels like things I should worry about. We are the ones who decided this on their behalf. Of course we should try and make that transition as easy as possible.
But. I can feel I am tipping over into unhelpful behaviours. Looking at the list above I could have added much more “made sures”, which is interesting for me to note, but this is the first time I have managed to sit and write in weeks.
They are completely loved and safe in this house. Our friends couldn’t have gone to more effort to make them feel comfortable and at ease.
The house sits literally net to the beach, you walk out the front door and you are at the sea. There’s a cycle path and no car traffic and plenty of space. It’s all one big invitation to play and I need to stop trying to control it all.
I came across the Idle Parent Manifesto written by Tim Hodgkinson via
We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work.
We pledge to leave our children alone.
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children’s lives from the moment they are born.
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals.
We drink alcohol without guilt.
We reject the inner Puritan.
We don’t waste money on family days out and holidays.
An idle parent is a thrifty parent.
An idle parent is a creative parent.
We lie in bed for as long as possible.
We try not to interfere.
We play in the fields and forests.
We push them into the garden and shut the door so we can clean the house.
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small.
Time is more important than money.
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness.
Down with school.
We fill the house with music and merriment.
We reject health and safety guidelines.
We embrace responsibility.
There are many paths.
I absolutely love a lot of this, but not all of it. Firstly, it was written in 2008; before tiny computers were put into the hands of our tiny humans. There’s a certain amount of work to be done to make sure that they don’t disappear down algorithm-led wormholes or spend all my money on virtual dragons on Roblox. I decided to buy “The Idle Parent” book off the back of reading this, which seems to be a rather big privileged rant. As I feel is evident from the “we work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small.” Must be nice.
HOWEVER. The underlying sentiment chimes with me. I find it an important corrector to my general desire to ‘helicopter’ as we head through a period of change. I need to sift through my own feelings of uncertainty and mum-guilt and step back; they have to have their own feelings about it all and they have to find ways to make it work for them. Which they are doing; it just looks different to how I pictured.
I particularly like the last line- there are many paths.
Invitation to write/play…
Write your own manifesto, for anyone you like. Sons/daughters is an obvious one, but write a manifesto for your creative practice, for how you like to eat mars bars or a bald manifesto if that tickles your pickle.
As ever, thanks for reading and feel free to share whatever you write.
Much love
Em x
How brave of you all! My kids like attention and feeling included and consulted with, not always easy. Wonderful to be by the sea. Good luck x
This inspired me. I am longing to move and create a home of my own again and find it hard to give time the room it deserves. Thanks for your words!