Slowly slowly
crashing, comfort blankets, walking rhythms
This week has been interesting. A crash that I didn’t see coming has left me a bit unable to complete really simple tasks. As is often the case at these times, it is easy to feel like you are simultaneously failing at parenting, wife-ing, friend-ing, working and life-ing in general. It hasn’t lifted yet, so this is an unusual place to write from, but I wanted to commit to a once a week post, so let’s see where this goes eh.
On weeks like this, usual crutches like writing poetry, making music, making nice food, or even seeing friends all feels a bit like a step beyond the manageable. These are all the things I do more of when I can sense things are a little off balance. As it seemingly came out of the blue I didn’t even manage to do the small things that keep things ticking over before crashing. I can usually see myself coming a bit these days. Hey ho, such is the nature of being a fallible human in chaotic times. We go on.
I don’t want to write too much about this feeling in particular. We all have it. More about the ways we climb back out.
I love a good deep and meaningful podcast, and always have a non-fiction book on the go for the daytimes. I’m one of those arseholes who likes to make notes all over them like I’m going to give a talk on the subject one day. But on weeks like this that all has to go. It’s time for the Marian Keyes books, Mortimer and Whitehouse on TV, delegating relentless household tasks, comforting stretchy movement, and walking. I have to make someone make me go walking, but walking is the thing.
Walking unlocks things. It has a metronomic affect, and the slow, steady rhythm that comes from a good one to hours walk often calms my nervous system better than sitting for a meditation. I am lucky to be able to walk like this, and I don’t take it for granted. I couldn’t walk for many many months and it is the thing I missed the most when ill. Although I suspect that there is a different kind of rhythm that comes for wheelchair users or people who need to move in a slightly different way. If this is you, I would love to know more about that.
In her book, Wanderlust, Rebecca Solnit says
“I suspect that the mind, like the feet, works at about three miles an hour. If this is so, then modern life is moving faster than the speed of thought, or thoughtfulness.”
This to me is what walking feels like; body, thoughts and landscape all at once and at a manageable speed. When thoughts are racing, or I have over-consumed information or gotten overwhelmed with All The Tasks and emotions that are part and parcel of raising children, it’s the easiest and most immediate way of returning to a more natural rhythm. If only I could remember to do it more.
Invitation to play/write…
Can you give yourself some time to walk this week? Or if walking is not available to you, move in a way that feels good? If you can only walk for a small amount of time, I highly recommend just heading out, wrapping up and taking a flask of something hot. Find a good bench. That’s what I did this week, the bench up at Burnt Edge in Bolton offers some excellent views even in the fog!
If you need to take your phone, perhaps turn your internet off. I often walk and listen to a podcast or an album, but this week I walked without listening to anything because I needed to hear myself think. Record thoughts as they come up, or simply just walk and find something you haven’t noticed before. Write about what you see, or someone you meet or how you feel. Don’t overthink it. You don’t need to become all Wordsworth here. Just noticing what comes up and jotting it down/making a voice recording is enough. You can fill in the details later.
Here’s one I wrote earlier, in case it helps get you started.
Hoping your weeks are full of things that keep you going.
Em x
What are you reading/listening to/watching? This week I’m
Watching Bad Sisters on Apple TV. Glorious work from Sharon Horgan. Ace plot, gorgeous Irish landscapes, wild swimming sisters. What’s not to love?
Watching the new season of Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing. The most soothing programme in the world??
Listening to Music for Growing Flowers by Erland Cooper.
Just the walk across the road to where I left the car and red clouds suggest a majestic sunset is in progress. A certain magic is in the air due to the scale of the event so I make a primordial grunt in appreciation. Apparently this is the same sun that set as the capstone was placed on The Great Pyramid of Giza. I must get some diesel.