New year, new lens

and many things I can't be arsed with

Hi friends

Felt the urge to write here after a bit of a break and share a poem that I have shared before because this year, this is how I feel-

I feel like I am running into the new year a bit this time and this year has been quite transformative, due mostly to exploring an autism diagnosis. Substack is awash with many spaces for exploring neurodivergence so it’s not my intention to go into it all here. Quite frankly, I just can’t be arsed. I have a long and growing list of things I can’t be arsed with. I can’t be arsed with being present online. I can’t be arsed with Substack notes. I can’t be arsed with hearing lots of opinions on everything all the time. I can’t be arsed with the endless points about whether you should or shouldn’t make resolutions or should or shouldn’t diet that come up algorithmically for most women at this time of year.

That sounds very nihilistic, and I should say that obviously there are many, many things I can be arsed with, and people (mainly on here) whose words I love to read.

I have written much less this year than I have done in previous years. I have written barely any poems and been to much fewer poetry nights. This is not because I don’t enjoy these things- I do and always will and I’ll be heading back out to them soon. But it’s mainly because I don’t have anything ‘thinky’ I want to explore or say. It’s all there in the background, coalescing, but it’s just not the time for it right now.

I have been fully exploring life through a new neurodivergent lens and I can’t quite explain how liberating and weird this has been. Maybe I will write more about it, it’s endlessly fascinating to me how you can get to 38 and it be a complete revelation. Or maybe I won’t and I’ll just play around with it all a while longer. Following on from my ‘can’t be arsed’ list, I would add to that - hearing others opinions about whether ‘too many people are being diagnosed these days’. I’m having way too much fun and finding too much comfort in exploring it on my own terms.

I also been exploring stuff through my body and movement. It hasn’t felt like the time to sit still and think, and I’m super aware of how things in life go in phases. I will have a more sedate period soon, I’m sure. But for now, I have been going to the gym and have enjoyed it so much that I am just finishing my training to be a fitness instructor for some spare cash. Clubbercise is first on my list- basically dancing to 90s classics in the dark with glow sticks. Erm, yes please. Despite performing in front of people lots of times, the idea of standing in front of people and teaching them is waaaay outside my comfort zone. But creating joyful movement to great music is very much within my comfort zone and I am enjoying it so much. It is pushing me to grow in confidence in new ways, and my confidence had completely crashed onto the floor this year in a pretty crippling way. Funny how understanding how your brain prefers to operate can help with this sort of thing.

my patient friends, testing out class ideas on new years eve

You might not believe me if I told you how much I had had to study and research just so I could get myself to a class at the gym, but it’s true. Moving to music in front of a mirror with others=wonderful. The before and after of a class and all the tiny interactions that are absolutely beyond me=quite stressful. I have been going consistently a few times a week for a year now, and I am only just getting the hang of things.

I’m playing with the edges of what being neurodivergent means for me, and really trying to notice where I want to push myself a little further and where I want to take the edge off situations or avoid them completely. This will be an ongoing experiment with no clear end point.

I’ve been digging into this place we moved to, practicing being super uncomfortable and doing stuff anyway.

I’ve been getting back into playing my guitar through attending a ramshackle evening at a local pub where we sit around and play whatever tunes we like for each other. I don’t always feel like going, my energy on a Wednesday evening can be fairly poor. But I always feel better for having gone. As opposed to playing with a band where you have to be relentlessly online and looking for gigs and promoting yourself, this feels like such a breath of fresh air. It is very much not an online thing. You know about it purely because it happens every week on a certain day and you play the things you think would make other people happy or make you happy. That’s all.

Anyway, I had no intention to write any of this down, but I’ve had a morning to myself without interruptions and it just sort of came out.

One more thing before I go…

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A reminder of the workshop I am running on 16th January, all info on this previous post.

I will be taking tickets off sale on 8th January so that I can make sure everyone has time to receive the letter I will send in advance, so if you would like to come along, please buy a ticket before then.

Cheers folks, hope the first bit of the year goes easy on you.

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Em x